I don't know where else to make this post... this is more of a rant, if it's not
 painfully obvious. I don't expect there to be answers, and I'm not blaming anyo
ne for anything, I just have no one to talk to... and ppl I may have to speak to
, I am not trying to play this victim in their eyes. So I throw these words out 
to anyone else who may or may not care. I figure, if they're meant to reach some
one, they will...
I am so socially awkward, not when someone else approaches me, but who would wan
t to approach me? I am a bigger chick.
I feel like a reject from society, being overweight is less than desirable in so
ciety today. But this desire not to be alone comes still with standards and boun
daries that my mind just won't let me compromise on. Because I don't hate my min
d, in fact I adore my mind, I just hate my body...
I'm a 38 year old woman. I am plagued with a meriod of things which I am that so
ciety hates... A woman, over 20, overweight, single mother... no one wants these
 things. Its not like I have no time for anyone.. I have a very strong bond with
 my family, and they are there for my kids while I am off working (uber). I pay 
them for their time, so it is mutually beneficial we all help each other.
I don't blame a man for having standards of his own however. I also have a stand
ard that whomever i date must be skinny, so I cannot reasonably be upset that a 
man wants a skinny woman, when I am not also skinny see? That would be very hypo
critical of me. So I have grown to accept that I am just in this world that hate
s fat women, and I'm this terrible awful blob that people see walking around and
 they are put off by my presence... I feel like a burden, being out and about th
at people genuinely are offended by my physical being when I fall within eyeshot
.
See I don't expect anyone to feel sorry after admitting such a thing. It's like,
 woman, if you want something like slenderness in a mate, shouldn't you naturall
y be able to offer that back to them?
I don't judge other men or woman for being overweight, unless they are genuinely
 unproductive people. But then I judge anyone thin average or overweight who fin
ds theirselves useless and constantly asking for help. This more is a standard p
urely based on attraction, and I feel everyone is entitled to have a type.
My very first boyfriend I dated when I was 18-23 years old i was 170lbs then, st
ill considered overweight by societies standards even though then at 18 i also h
ad DDD boobs and a round but, but a much smaller waist than i do now. I actually
 was not attracted to that 1st bf in the slightest.. he was slightly overweight 
himself 19 years old he was, and very hairy. But, he was a programmer & a "hacke
r" of the early 2k generation. I thought he was super smart and I chose to lend 
all my attraction based on this.. well what I percieved as his intellegence. I w
ould let go of the desire for a thin guy with that very 1st person i dated. I th
ink I gave him a huge ego boost, too big of a boost in fact.. I found 1 or 2 thi
ngs about his physicality acceptable and hyper focused on those things . He had 
nice hands, and blue eyes. That's all I found attractive about him, everything e
lse was nearly repulsive, especially when I was upset or angry with him... which
 I rarely verbalized. It was him who did most of the talking anyway. My anger wa
s not unjustified, he would start to call me every curse under the sun, he would
 call me disgusting and fat and worthless, even though i would do nearly all the
 working (money making), and driving as he refused to get a drivers license. He 
thought his big programming schemes would make us millions, yet he had not made 
millions yet. In fact he made ZERO off his programming "skills" in that entire 5
 years i was with him, yet it was importaint that i be a sugar momma and accomid
ate him, because he thought he would get there eventually. And if i didnt cater 
to him now, i was not deserving of being cared for by anyone else. He was a very
 toxic person. I never returned fire with words... I think the lure in the begin
ing, was young 18 yo virgin me, admitted to him on the phone before we met that 
I had a fantasy of giving a BJ.. I recall he said that he thought we would get a
long just fine. After we met, he required I give him at least 1 BJ a day, every 
single day. He didnt verbalize the proposal, he would just unzip and expect me t
o do it.. no foreplay no initiation, just the expectation. At first it was fine,
 but then the fact it was expected started to make it bothersome. It was to the 
point when we would cuddle on the bed, if I laid my head on his chest, he would 
bring his hand up to pet my head, I would get the feeling... awe this is nice, a
nd after 3 or 4 pets he would start to force my head down... every... single....
 time. It was quite annoying.
I did not hate myself, in fact I rolled his words off my shoulders waited out hi
s rants and asked if he was finished so we could speak like normal adults? This 
would only enrage him further. He was all I knew for the 1st 5 years of my adult
hood though. I did decide to leave him in the end. It was an ugly breakup, his e
go was so huge. he asked me to check his email for the status of an Amazon book 
delivery, and when I checked I seen replies back from other girls from Craigslis
t personals saying they had a good time... I said Michael, you're not doing a gr
eat job hiding the fact you're seeing other women. He said, who said I'm hiding 
it? So that moment gave me the out I needed to hand him the engagement ring he g
ave me, & to leave. It would have been an easy clean breakup, but he decided to 
be offended that idk.. we wasn't worth fighting for? So he made it really dramat
ic. Meanwhile, the few words I had for him prior, turned into no words at all an
ymore, and this really bothered him probably the most.
Today, I meet people I have so much in common with, loves rock music, industrial
 rock, 80s pop rock, alternative, indie.. love for the maintains and swimming...
 I see these people and I instantly feel I have to recoil because I must be clau
sie moto, hidden unless I lose the weight...
Then if this is such a huge issue you may wonder, why don't you "just" lose the 
weight? Because I can't tell you how many times I have actually heard people say
 "if you lose weight you could be a model"... but losing weight has never been a
 happy place for me.
I have successfully lost weight 2x in the past and felt great doing it. It takes
 a special environment to facilitate the ability to lose the weight... 1st time 
was my 1st pregnancy in 2009. The weird "cravings" I had were for vinegar based 
and raw vegetable foods. I actually lost any and all desire to eat meat in any c
apacity... which was wild to me because I love meat. While pregnant, I couldn't 
look at or even smell it anymore without being nauseous. It was kind of a terrif
ying feeling, because it felt like, this is just me now and I can't change it. I
 wondered if I'd ever eat meat again.. well, needless to say I did. But in that 
9 months of pregnancy, I lost 60lbs. I worked at a gas station and my regular cu
stomers commented after my 2 week maternity leave, where have you been? I said..
. well I had my baby, and they would reply, you were pregnant?? . At that time w
hen I got pregnant I was 23 years old, 5'8 weighed 260lbs... after I had my daug
hter, I was 180lbs.. about 6 months later I was pregnant again, and I had all th
e cravings for anything and everything, so I gained a whole lot back, and more.
The 2nd time I lost weight, was 2019, I was 34 years old and up to 310lbs. I los
t 90lbs in 8 months doing the Keto diet, so down to 220... which was effortless 
even, because I worked at cache creek casino, and they offer a buffet to their e
mployees for lunch... I'd actually save my lunch till the end of my shift, I'd f
ast till lunch after work. I waited so I didn't have to be timed, because I had 
a carb manager app I could enter everything I chose, and I could choose as much 
food as I wanted so long as it didn't exceed 20g of carbs a day. I took fiber su
ppliments at home as well. This did very well for me... but then I lost my job a
t the casino, because I (thought) I had Xmas eve off work.. silly me, no one get
s Xmas eve off work, I was looking at next week's schedule. So it was a no call 
no show by the time work called me to ask where I was. It was points on a no cal
l no show x2 because it was a blackout day... so of course I lost my job, and wi
thout access to that free buffet any longer, I started to put the weight back on
 yet again... ironic isn't it? That a 24 hr buffet could be what helped me final
ly lose the weight.
The reason this is so difficult to maintain at home, is because my mom stays wit
h me too, as she helps watch my 3 kids while I work, and my kids can be rather p
icky eaters. What eating the buffet before I came home allowed me to do, was hav
e instant access food I could eat till I was more than satisfied, I return home 
full so I can make the kids whatever they wanted to eat without feeling like I i
nvested all this effort into making their food, now I have to make myself sepera
te food that fits my stipulations of the diet... it just doesn't work so easily 
if I am not already full, I always give in and just eat the food I make for the 
kids. Also, my mom gets on her occasional "diets" where then she might start eat
ing my food I need to meet my keto requirements, I come home to what I expected 
to make thst day already eaten, which would mentally fudge me all up. And when I
 tried to buy more than I needed just in case my mom felt like indulging herself
 on my foods, often she would opt nit to indulge, and much would end up going to
 waste. It was just a LOT to keep track of.
My kids father stayed in Ohio when I left him. I was born in San Jose, and raise
d near Davis in a small town. I was out in the midwest for 10 years (2008-2018).
 I was determined to return to california however, so i did. My kids dad has goo
d genes as far as physicality. He is only 5'3 and 98lbs when I met him (told you
 I like skinny guys), so my kids fortunately took his tiny genes and they are ra
ther small no matter what they eat. Their bodies just metabolize food far better
 than mine does... then again, I (used) to be tiny too... in fact, when I was su
per young (2-6 years old), my moms nick name for me was "Vicky podiki" which is 
Greek for Vicky little mouse. It was something right around puberty that just ma
de me balloon up and not quit.
So now I am faced with this weight problem, which isn't getting any better, espe
cially now that I uber for work... the way this uber job works for me is mass ho
urs of work, because I pack a suitcase and have a 24 hr fitness membership so I 
can shower and swim when I need to break... but when I'm sitting 14-18 hrs a day
, 2-4 hours of swimming isn't really going to help me much... also, when I tire 
as I drive these long hours, my mind gets stimulated and perks back up when I "r
eward" myself with what food sounds exciting in the moment. There is no schedule
, and nothing routine about what I do now.
But as I work I can't just order keto food either... I tried, it gets so expensi
ve because most food is 1/2 or more some carb, so I have to ask to leave off 1/2
 or more of the dish... and order even more food to help compensate for what I'v
e had to ask to leave off the 1st dish... it gets so expensive and depressing...
 it's just not the right environment like I had at the casino.
I would say this may sound like endless excuses, but it's just a lack of environ
ment for me... I've already shown myself to stay consistent in the right environ
ment... I dont have it anymore... and I NEED to work these rediculous hours to p
rovide for my kids... as I don't get child support, or welfare.
With all of this forementioned, I am actually believe it or not a wildly optimis
tic person. I have MASSIVE goals of living off grid in the mountains on a minimu
m of 10 acres... maybe a horse rescue, or a dog rescue.. or maybe I can start a 
forest rehabilitation project.
I am well traveled in the whole of the US, and I have brought my kids around to 
travel with me a lot. I've been to 44 states. I am so active and I love to trave
l... I may not win any competition involving speed, but I have proven to be capa
ble of hiking (without breaks) 12 miles up a mountainside.. 15 min break at the 
top and 5 hours down the mountain at this weight I'm currently at (370lbs). I re
gularly ( @ least 1x a week) swim laps in the gym pool for 4+ hours at a time. I
 just hate running... my body has all the physical disadvantages that most men w
ho like curviness on women consider as advantages (ie DDD boobs & a big round bu
tt). With the extra weight I have developed a gut though, and I feel it's disgus
ting, ND I don't blame anyone for agreeing with me.
I know its best not to "need" a partner, but these days have made it especially 
difficult for any single person to make it alone. I have qualities that I feel c
ould benefit a relationship. I have been single for the past 5 years, I have lea
rned a lot about myself in those years but, I don't want to be comfortable in so
lidarity either. 2 heads are better than 1... but I just can't let go of my desi
re to be attracted to who I'm seeing now. So here in lies the problem. I am not 
getting any younger, I am overweight, but I want a skinny male partner, who also
 is into rock music like I am. Someone with goals and ambitions too, preferably 
who sees himself living off grid as well.
We'd have to be able to compliment each other and have qualities that the other 
needs... maybe he is a handy guy, mechanically inclined? I find I really cannot 
stand touching my car as far as maintenance goes, this gets so expensive for me 
to pay for others to do seemingly simple things to maintain cars, or home maijta
nance/repairs. I don't mind working rediculous hours to provide and earn an inco
me. And if I'm home I done mind helping or being company when he is doing any ma
intenance and or repairs needed, those are just things I cannot stand doing all 
by myself.
I have a knack at analyzing data and numbers, in fact I worked this massive job 
as a corporate bank analyst in Cincinnati and I was given awards for what I was 
able to accomplish there, they were trying to build a program off my ability to 
crunch numbers. I see pathways very well, and this is why I probably remain a ve
ry optimistic hopeful person, I can look into the future and forecast some aweso
me possibilities, I can give options... but with 1 person, my options are limite
d.
This could also be another huge downfall for me in the dating world we live in t
oday. People like to casually enter these relationships and "just let things hap
pen". When he says that he often means, if I want to fuck you, then you will let
 me, even if we don't know each other at all. And if you aren't ok with this, th
en you're a prude, and you aren't very easy going. It is pretty widely known tha
t the vast majority of men (and clearly some women like me), are visual creature
s. He would have far more patience and willingness to wait for a girl he finds v
ery attractive than he'd be willing to wait for a girl who is far below average 
because of her weight. This means, since I don't have the hook of being attracti
ve, men really are sticking around because their only reward then is the possibi
lity of quickly getting off, and moving on, they don't care about my visions of 
the future, or how I can build an elaborate plan of action considering both of o
ur qualities at all... I mean, I don't expect to act on the plan of action(s) I 
envision, but there needs to be some concept that this will work at all for me t
o be interested at all.. otherwise, why are we here? Just to get off? That alone
, doesn't interest me at all. I HAVE to see there is potential there, and I need
 to see the guy agree that it sounds doable IF we were to work out. I always req
uire a minimum of 6 solid months of exclusivity before any big actions are taken
 anyway, it's not like I'm trying to move fast, I just need to know that there i
s something.... anything at all that we could look forward to as an item.
I feel like when you're less physically attractive and overweight like me, men h
ave far less patience for us. I've heard every excuse thrown out there.. "how ca
n you know if you even want to be with someone if you don't know if you enjoy th
e sex?".. to which I would reply, the point is caring about someone enough to be
 willing to work on it, the point is learning each other. I don't expect anyone 
to be magic the first time were together. The excitement of learning with someon
e you are supposed to care about should definetely supercede all else.
Men love to use anything they can to try to get you to have sex with them.. so m
uch that I literally have ZERO sex drive for anyone who hasn't actually shown me
 initiative to see me without it. I need to know he wants to see me, not that he
 requires me to blow him every day. Sex is not meant to be mindless like that...
 but none of these people understand, that when we get to that place where I fin
ally feel safe, my love you could not keep up with as much as I want it. Every t
ime I am the one who is holding back my lust for someone I can finally trust, be
cause my desire is almost literally constant. And I would think this is a happy 
medium, you get it often, but not as often as you want it this constantly leaves
 me in a state of desire for my partner. In a constant ready to please mode. If 
it's not a time or a place for sex, my mind will turn to other ways I can please
, It's my mission to ease my partners troubles and burdens. I love to give him s
omething he maybe wouldn't have had time in the day to do himself. I feel like i
f he were to even barely feel the same for me, this is how power couples are bor
n. We are motivated by each other's happiness.
I'd love to find someone who is not repulsed by my fatness, but also someone who
 isn't encouraging me to stay this way, or even wants me to be fatter (those ppl
 do exist too). Who is supportive when I make efforts to better myself... also, 
my "requirements" for a thin man, isn't a forever requirement. I have found that
 guys I meet at first who are thin, I always keep an attraction for even if they
 gain weight. So it's not like my desire for you is contingent on your ability t
o stay skinny, really that's not necessary.
To to wrap it up, to make this longest rant of a story summed up and short. My b
iggest problems being overweight, not being able to find a consistency in my lif
e again where I can lose the weight, because my standards want me to find a skin
ny alternative rocker or even country type man, because in society as it is toda
y, 2 can make it a whole lot easier than just 1 can. A man who is patient enough
 to understand I need to feel comfortable with the fact he actually cares about 
me enough that the relationship isn't going to be purely based on sex, while als
o being a very sexual person when that time does come. Also a productive person,
 with skills that can contribute to the relationship where I lack them, where I 
have skills that will also benefit him, who wants to live off grid in the mounta
ins.
Perhaps starting somewhere, with someone who could maybe help me get on some sor
t of routine.. of hikes, or is willing to swim with me more than once a week... 
my problem being, if it's just me, I find it extremely difficult to pry myself a
way from work... but if I had someone text me, and say hey let's go swimming now
.. or hiking now, I'd say ok! Stop working and do it. It's just if no one is ask
ing, I'm going to choose to keep making money.
Ugh... again I don't expect answers, this Is just a huge rant I'm throwing out i
nto the darkness. With my luck someone will see this post and all the effort I m
ade to type it out and simply flag it, then it was really all for not. I suppose
, actually typing it never hurt.
Health and happiness to everyone.